Archer is probably my favorite show on television, and I am INSANELY excited about its return for season seven on March 31st. Entertainment Weekly got Archer (or, you know, the show’s writers and the voice of Archer, H. Jon Benjamin) to review all 24 James Bond films, both in video and text form.
Unfortunately, not all of the films are represented in the video. All *are* represented in the text reviews over at EW, however. Some of the fantastic highlights…
- On Dr. No: “Sean Connery has the arms of a 15-year-old boy. Seriously, it looks like he’s never even tried shower sex.”
- On Goldfinger: “Goldfinger’s personal pilot: Pussy Galore! One time I got a lap dance from a stripper named Lada Moning, but Pussy wins. Pussy always wins.”
- On Thunderball: “Bond is sent to recover two highjacked warheads in the Bahamas where he gets into an underwater battle that’s nine minutes too long.” (THANK YOU! I’ve felt this way for years)
- On On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: “George Lazenby’s ears. Did nobody have safety pins on set?”
- On The Spy Who Loved Me: “JAWS! Played by the 7’2” Richard Kiel, this henchman bit a goddamn shark.”
- On Moonraker: “Part of me wanted to see an anaconda eat Roger Moore whole.”
- On License to Kill: “Do you want to see some guy’s head explode in a diving chamber? Well, you’re in luck.”
- On Goldeneye: “Bond must stop a presumed dead MI6 agent from stealing money from the Bank of England via wire transfers before erasing their bank records. So non-confrontational. So British.”
- On Tomorrow Never Dies: “Bond has to escape on a motorcycle through the streets of Saigon while handcuffed to a beautiful woman? Excuse me while I cross my legs to hide my erection.”
- On Die Another Day: “Madonna’s unnecessary cameo as a fencing instructor. I can only imagine her conversation with the producers went something like this. Madonna: ‘Can I be the Bond girl?’ [Seven seconds of silence]. Producers: ‘We’ll find ya something!’”
- On Skyfall: “Javier Bardem’s haunting analogy about rats eating each other kept me up last night. I ended up grilling a cheese and watchingAntiques Roadshow.”
Check out all of the reviews over at EW. They’re really pretty brilliant. Oh Archer, how I’ve missed you…