And we’re finally back. Chris Harrison has returned to our lives, which means all is once again well in the world. And, man, does this season of The Bachelorette look promising. Less than one episode in and we already have enough drunken shenanigans, belly-button talk and shots of JoJo contemplating life to last a season.
Let’s start with the Woman of the Hour, Ms. Joelle “JoJo” Fletcher. Last we saw JoJo, she was having her heart broken by Ben and blah blah blah. Forgive me, but I have trouble mustering up much sympathy for anyone trying to find love on a game show. Maybe I’m weird, I don’t know. Anyway, the Higgins episode is clearly going to be the cloud hanging over this season. It served as the set-up for everyone’s favorite Bachelor camera shot: the longing look of the wounded soul — and wow, was JoJo’s longing game on point!
There she was, staring at some flowers. There she was, sitting on some fancy stones and just thinking. There she was, looking flawless and strolling down the beach at a moment where the lighting just happened to be perfect. Wow, now I see that JoJo really is just like all of us. She’s just a ridiculously gorgeous and rich 24-year-old woman sick of getting the short stick in life. God, when will you finally cut this woman a break???
Pretending this is what we look like when we walk on the beach. #TheBachelorette
“I just want someone who wants the same things as me,” JoJo said to the camera at one point. I assume she means someone interested in selling their soul in exchange for fame and fortune. Seemingly 12 hours later — anyone else notice the sun was out when the dudes who didn’t receive roses left the mansion? — she had met the crop, and even got a surprise drop-in from Bachelor veteran Jake Pavelka where we learned that the Fletchers and Pavelkas are family friends. You know, because it’s completely normal for two close families to each have a kid search for a life-partner on reality TV.
As for this year’s contestants — who are these incredibly special men that give up their jobs and leave other loved ones behind in order to fight with 20 other dudes over one women? Glad you asked.
GOING HOME
We won’t touch on all the dudes who failed to make an impression in Week 1. There are just way too many. But there were a few who managed to stand out.
- Jonathan: The kilt guy. Going to a stunt during the limo scene is, well, a ballsy move. It can work, but you have to have the charisma to pull it off. I’m not sure Jonathan knows what charisma is.
- Sal: “I give you permission to squeeze my blue balls,” were the first words he ever said to the woman he claimed he hoped to marry. I’m shocked, SHOCKED, he didn’t make it into Week 2.
- Peter: Confession: I did not know who this was until he had been kicked off.
- Jake: The black guy. Normally, I wouldn’t even point out such a thing, but this is The Bachelorette. It would take an act of God for all three black contestants to make it past Week 1.
STILL HERE
1. Jordan: It’s Jordan’s world; the rest of us are just living in it. To be honest, Jordan did not make a great first impression. On me, I mean. Here’s all I heard during his intro reel: Waaaa, I’m Aaron Rodgers’ little brother and I played in the NFL but only for a little bit. My life’s not fair. Sorry, bro, you’re 6-foot-1 with a perfect jaw line, seemingly no body fat and you were a professional football player. I’m just not buying the sob story, even if you give it while standing in the rain.
But then we got to meet Jordan and see him in action and, OH MY GOD, does this dude have game! I’m happily married, but I swear for a brief moment I was starting to re-think things. My wife was, too. (Side note: nothing boosts confidence quite like spending two hours listening to your wife talk about how hot a bunch of other dudes are.)
Jordan quickly emerged as the star of the group and favorite of the season. Remember, this is a guy who’s been in the spotlight for nearly his entire life. He knows how to handle cameras and microphones and isn’t intimated by other bros; he’s spent the majority of his life in the presence of 300-pound meatheads. He’s cool dealing with a bunch of 180-pound softies. And, more importantly, he knows how to get JoJo going. He made her laugh. He stroked her back. I’m pretty sure she purred the first time she saw him. He pulled her in for a kiss, her first (real one) of the season and eventually got the first rose.
Now that was a kiss! Goodness!
Jordan was so good that I’m willing to ignore his ridiculous hair style that looks like it requires a reapplication of gel every 20 minutes.
Can't… stop… looking… at… those… pieces… of… hair…#TheBachelorette @BacheloretteABC pic.twitter.com/bdE1gf0gFs
— Good Morning America (@GMA) May 24, 2016
It’s early, but Jordan is clearly the man to beat.
2. Luke: He’s a Texan, a veteran and he bought JoJo cowboy boots. If he keeps playing that “we’re both Texans, yeehaw” card, he could be around for a while.
3. Christian: He’s only half-black, so maybe he’s actually got a chance. I was also ready to start making fun of him — no one likes the dude who tells everyone that he wakes up at 3:30 every morning to work out — until he shared his sob story (his grandfather is a racist) which, to be honest, was VERY strong. I’m not sure Christian is JoJo’s type. What am I sure about, though, is that it’s going to be a long time before the producers allow her to even think about sending him home.
4. Robby: He didn’t get much shine this week. But he’s tall, has cool hair and used to be a professional athlete.
What a great way to start, right?
He also brought JoJo a bottle of wine, meaning he knows how to endear himself to JoJo’s family. Don’t underestimate that.
JoJo's mom will drink to that bottle of wine!#TheBachelorette @BacheloretteABC pic.twitter.com/ZjnPRQ7AJQ
— Good Morning America (@GMA) May 24, 2016
5. Grant: He’s a fireman, he’s good looking and he clearly knows what The Bachelorette is all about. I mean just check out these intro-reel shots.
Grant's profile game is strong. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/sTV23RCGpt
— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) May 24, 2016
Sure, he seems kind of dull and bleh. His opening line to her, the one he clearly practiced for months was… “I promise I won’t fall in love with two people.” Um, OK. But let’s not forget JoJo is someone who fell in love with Ben Higgins last season. Dull and bleh are aphrodisiacs to her.
6. Chad: So it seems like Chad is going to be That Guy this season, or at least that’s how the post-show “scenes from this season” made it seem. Dude is clearly a jerk, and yet JoJo was clearly feeling his game.
Things keep on getting interesting!
Hmm, it’s almost as if this whole show is actually semi-scripted. Almost.
My favorite Chad moment from Week 1, aside from him providing great commentary about the cast of weirdos joining him in the mansion: going out of his way to make sure JoJo knows he’s “financially stable.” That, or him sharing with her his sociological beliefs. “Normally, girls are so worried about themselves,” he said. Yeah, sounds like a real keeper.
7. James Taylor: Do I have to make a Fire and Rain joke or can we just move on?
8. Saint Nick: Dude came in a Santa Claus costume and actually got her to sit on his lap and give him a rose. That might be the most impressive feat in Bachelorette history.
9. Ali: “You know, guys, there’s other ways to deal with pressure other than hitting the bottle.” Clearly, he doesn’t know what type of contestants The Bachelorette looks for. Not a good sign.
10. Wells: Now THIS is how you stand out.
Alls fair in love and acapella!
Only issue: what happens when All-4-One is done singing “I Swear”? That’s all they got.
11. Derek: Pro tip, bro: This show is about sex and lust, not silly BS like feelings and emotions. Telling JoJo that you were really blown away last season while watching her because of “what’s on the inside” is not how you play. Also, it makes you sound like a creep.
12. Alex: He’s about 5-foot-4, which does not bode well for him. That he became the guy who does pushups at the party made things even worse. Alex is on borrowed time.
Mmmh… impressive! SEXY Marine.
#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/ox827PVEkj — The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 24, 2016
13. Brandon: Remember last season how the twins listed their job occupations as “Twins”? Well, Brandon might have actually one-upped them.
Also, look at those eyes. Quick, someone get this guy some artisanal coffee and a National album.
14. James F: He’s a 34-year-old boxer. Yeah, that’s not going to cut it here.
15. Chase: I don’t know who you are.
16. Evan: Perhaps my favorite contestant thus far. First off, look at his profession!
And he, I’m pretty sure not ironically, used the word “pump” like 30 times in his opening reel. Any former Pastor who decides he wants to get into the ED game is, by definition, an interesting dude. Also, one who should be avoided by women at all costs, but interesting nonetheless.
17. Vinny: He’s a barber and he brought JoJo a piece of toast for some reason. Need I say any more?
18. James S: Another contestant killing the “occupation” game; James S lists his job as “Bachelor Superfan.” He then told us that every Monday night he has a watch party. Shockingly, this party consisted of like four people, two of which were children.
19. Will: For those who need refreshing, Will is the dude who, as part of some ill-advised gag, dropped those cards on his way out of the limo and them had trouble getting a full sentence out during his one-on-one time. I’m not really sure how he made it through. Guess the producers like him.
20. Daniel: And, finally, we reach the star of the evening. I could go into every dumb thing Daniel did and said. Instead, I’ll leave it at this:
Oh gosh..this man. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/lecFAFPJtR
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 24, 2016
And this:
Damn…! Is he drunk, really? Oh well… #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/soImETcoDd
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 24, 2016
LINES OF THE NIGHT
1. There’s a lot of hair gel, a lot of cologne.
Honestly, I don’t remember who said this but it perfectly summed up the first night.
2. “I have feelings… shutup.” — Chad.
Is it bad that I kind of like this guy?
3. There’s absolutely no scenario where one man should poke another man in the belly-button.
Canadians, can you weigh in here?
A perfect ending. See ya’ll next week.
