After highlighting the best films of 2022, let’s look back at the worst.
5. Moonfall
Rotten Tomatoes score: 36% (critics), 70% (audience)
Streaming on: HBO Max
If the creators of Moonfall set out to make the dumbest film of 2022, mission accomplished. Your brain cells will die after suffering through two-plus hours of trash. The plot makes zero sense, and the action sequences are silly. The moon is falling, and to save the Earth the president wants to blow up the moon. Seems like a terrible plan. In one scene, a space shuttle that has been housed in a museum successfully lifts off during a tsunami even though it has a broken engine and is without a launch crew. Um. Okay. Unbelievably, Oscar-winner Halle Berry is in this disaster. At least the cat has a great name: Fuzz Aldrin.
4. Firestarter
Rotten Tomatoes score: 10% (critics), 47% (audience)
Streaming on: Amazon
Available for rent on: Apple TV, YouTube
If you’re making a case that there are no new ideas in Hollywood, rebooting movies based on Stephen King novels would be exhibit A. They remade It (very good), Pet Sematary (very bad), and Firestarter (very awful). Guess we’re going to keep mining the intellectual property rights of King’s works as long as the cash comes in. The original Firestarter (1984) was not a critical or box-office hit. Most people caught it on cable TV because it was always on, especially around Halloween. It’s not like people were nostalgic for it. The remake is void of any tension or interesting characters. Firestarter is so bland that you might forget Zac Efron plays the male lead. Maybe Salem’s Lot (coming in April!) will be better.
3. Crawlspace
Rotten Tomatoes score: N/A
Streaming on: Showtime
It takes a maximum level of suspension of disbelief to buy what this B movie is selling. Robert (Henry Thomas) is a kind-hearted plumber who might be great with pipes but is terrible at business. Even though he has a family to support, he’s willing to work on credit if his clients cannot immediately afford to pay him. No spouse would stand for that. Anyway, when he goes out on a job, he finds stolen money at a house. Money that could fix his financial woes. The trouble starts when the killer criminals want their loot back. Robert takes refuge in the crawlspace like it’s a panic room and uses his handyman wits to survive. If you think that’s far-fetched, wait until the plot twist. Oh boy.
2. Me Time
Rotten Tomatoes score: 6% (critics), 33% (audience)
Streaming on: Netflix
Are we sure Mark Wahlberg can act? You could make the case that Father Stu should be on this list. Are we sure Kevin Hart is funny? You could make the case that The Man from Toronto should be on this list. This undynamic duo teams up for an unamusing buddy comedy. Hart plays Sonny, a stay-at-home dad whose wife and kids go away for the weekend. Wahlberg plays his wild longtime best friend Huck, who’s throwing himself a birthday bash complete with a tour bus with the slogan “Let’s Get Hucked Up!” on the side. These matching-tracksuit-wearing buddies get into misadventures you won’t care about. One includes stealing and accidentally maiming a tortoise because, for some reason, these two think animal injuries are hilarious.
1. Home Team
Rotten Tomatoes score: 19% (critics), 48% (audience)
Streaming on: Netflix
There’s nothing humorous about intentionally trying to injure another human being for money. And there’s nothing humorous about Home Team, which turns Sean Payton‘s year-long suspension for his role in the New Orleans Saints Bountygate scandal into a kids’ movie. Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison production company is responsible for an odd attempt at a redemption narrative. Kevin James plays Payton, who in real life spent his time in exile coaching his son’s grade-school football team. James looks nothing like Payton and looks bored as you will be. Home Team is also sexist. A dumb blonde trope is featured in the trailer. As if anyone working in an NFL office would not know who Roger Goodell is.
[Photo Credit: Netflix]