Your holiday weekend is over, but the Stanley Cup Final has just begun. How does the neutral fan decide who to root for between the upstart San Jose Sharks and the fast/fun Pittsburgh Penguins? What is acceptable trash talk in the NHL these days? And, of course, we need to discuss what exactly was Joey’s best moment on Friends, because it’s topical. MAILBAG!
1. What are acceptable (politically correct) names for hockey players to call each other when trash talking?
Steve
For this mailbag, I try to keep it as wide-open as possible. Have a hockey question? Fire away. But really, if anything is on your mind, you can send it in, Jerome. Steve has basically taken this opportunity to ask me to list a lot of dirty words.
Well, this mailbag gets put together on Monday and that was a holiday in the United States this week, so we have to take what we can get.
If you’d like to hear what I think is acceptable trash talk, these are the names I think you can call other players.
1. Stinky Butt
2. Poopy Bottoms
3. Fart Face
4. Smelly Pants
5. Dirt Monger
6. Stench Sultan
7. Bad Breath Butt Face
8. Toe Cheese McGree
9. Stinky McStinkerson
10. Butt Crack Crackerson
11. Smelly Feet O’Houlihan
12. Captain Fart Man
13. Lieutenant Fart Man
14. Sargeant Fart Man
15. Fartgeant Fart Man
16. Dingleberry
17. Bored of the Stinks
18. Crap Butt Poop Dump
19. Fecal Face Fart Flicker
20. Colin Campbell
And I want to say that you should only use that last insult in the most extreme of situations, like, for instance, if a stranger tells you that if you play in an All-Star Game after being voted to it by the fans, you will bring shame to your children and family. Then you drop the hammer on them.
2. They don’t lookalikes
.@davelozo is mitch marner just logan couture but stronger? here's some evidence: pic.twitter.com/PlDFf7YAqn
— the source known as "sucks eat cfootball" (@nowyousieme) May 30, 2016
No.
Mitch Marner, who is on the left there, is about 25 pounds lighter than Logan Couture and doesn’t really look that much like him. They are both white guys with dark hair but this would be like saying Chris Fowler looks like Chris Berman.
Here is what I consider the proper equation for how we got Mitch Marner.
That’s what’s his name from Bones + the guy from Girls who is in Star Wars now = Mitch Marner. That’s where hockey players come from. Hopefully, this was as revelatory for you as it was for me.
3. Torts Reform
He’ll get all 82. Teams that hire a coach mid-season who is on board with trading Ryan Johansen don’t fire said coach in the middle of next season. John Tortorella could conduct an all-nude morning skate after losing five in a row and the Blue Jackets would spin it as a team-bonding endeavor and anyone questioning it would be accused of body shaming.
4. This isn’t a question.
Life problem: I'll be driving home from Memorial Day travels tonight and will miss Game 1
— Patrick (@hotstatix) May 30, 2016
This isn’t a question.
5. This isn’t a question, either.
https://twitter.com/BrendanPorto/status/737329409242374144
Of course. Yes.
6. I don’t know.
https://twitter.com/BrianoMobile/status/737315561449750528
I don’t know how to judge the outcome of a game between two teams that have some of the same players.
7. Do you think people with mailbags make up their own mailbag questions so it can tee them up to talk about what they want to talk about?
Dave
Yes.
8. Ratings
https://twitter.com/Edrosenbruins/status/737371519584722944
Good question, easy answer.
The NHL should take a look at everything they have been doing since the first lockout in 1994 and start doing literally the opposite of everything they’ve been doing. They should go back in time and not give exclusive broadcast rights in the United States to NBC. They should market more than three guys. They should also go back in time and let Tampa have a watch party for Game 7 against the Penguins, because, really? The Warriors packed Oracle Arena while the team played in Oklahoma City for Game 6, but the NHL wouldn’t let like 6,000 people watch a game on a big screen outside Amalie Arena in Tampa. It was embarrassing.
The second that time machine becomes available or we find that tree from Game of Thrones that allows you to travel back in time, we are going to make the NHL the third-best sport in the country.
9. Joey doesn’t share food
That is an objectively wrong take. As a matter of fact, that is perhaps Joey at his worst. It’s a great premise but it’s not good.
There are two clearly great Joey moments and this can’t be debated.
1. Joey drinks a gallon of milk
2. Joey figures out Chandler and Monica are doing it
This mailbag is designed to entertain, but it’s great that every once in a while it can educate the young people about important things.
10. Thornton vs. Kessel
It’s terrible that one of these two will lose the Stanley Cup Final over the next two weeks. It’s this battle between two guys that have been unnecessarily scapegoated for either bad luck, bad timing or bad teams during their careers, and now one of them will skate around with the Stanley Cup while holding up a metaphorical middle finger or maybe even a literal middle finger.
If you’re a Kings, Flyers or Rangers fan, it’s probably really easy to root against either team. Otherwise, man, there’s no one to hate. You’ve got goofy Joe Thornton and his beard that looks like he’s spilled nacho cheese sauce on it. You’ve got goofy Sidney Crosby, his trophy-touching ways and sad beard. Patrick Marleau is bordering on Older Than Dirt and has spent part of his career catching unnecessary crap from Jeremy Roenick. Phil Kessel may literally eat hot dogs out of the Cup while sitting in front of Steve Simmons’ house.
This year’s Stanley Cup Final is like being given free run of an amusement park for just you and your family and friends. No lines and fun rides, although you will have to hear Pierre McGuire explain where the roller coaster was invented and Mike Milbury talk about how the log floom is soft.
Otherwise, this is a dream Final.